She`ll do whatever it takes...

Comment and add me. I`ll add you for sure.

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 16:45:23 GMT

Comment so I know that you`ve added me and I`ll add you right away.
<333

I`m back!

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 16:37:28 GMT

Ok, so I`m back and I`m on my way to post some pictures. But right now I`m resizing them and I have to upload them so, yeah, that will take time. And I think I`ll make this journal friends only because I`m planning to post lots of pictures in the future and I don`t feel very comfortable when absolutely everybody can see them. But right now I have work to do with the pics.
<333

OHHHH! YESSSSS!

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 16:30:43 GMT

Ha! There are computers here and not only that!!! I swam 1km which equals 3280ft! There is a fucking conference hall in our apartment and the apartment is huge!!! Of course I`ll post pictures when I come home again! But it`s great! Today the pool was open only for me. Plus the fitness hall is kind of private too! HAHAHAHAHA! I just ate a salad and I think that I`ll be doing great the next few days!
YAY FOR ME!
<333

Bye for a while!

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 19:40:22 GMT

I`m going away for the holidays with my parents but I`ll be back next week. Wish me luck with eating because I`ll need it sooooooooo much!!! I hope my parents won`t notice the things I`m planning to do. Like eating absolutely nothing cause lately I`ve been a total PIG! So hopefully I`ll spend 5 days with an empty stomach in the swimming pool, in the fitness or shopping! I hope that helps my gross fat ass to become at least normal sized! When I come back I`m starting another diet thingy with my mother and I`m supposed to lose 8lbs. Not that it will work. NOTHING EVER WORKS FOR ME!!! I`m going to die fat and ugly!
Anyway, as I said WISH ME LUCK BECAUSE I`LL NEED IT!
<333 Stay strong and think thin!

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 19:05:51 GMT

Me right now. I can`t help it. I`m fat fat fat and everybody`s telling me how much weight I`ve lost and how I should stop and all shit like that AND I`M STILL AFRAID TO WEIGH MYSELF!!!!!!! I`m such an idiot...

Hmmmmm.....

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 20:57:33 GMT

I`m supposed to take 1 diet pill before every meal. But I take 3-4 INSTEAD of having a meal. And I suppose that`s bad... One day in my life I`m gonna regret for making all this but at this point I`m OK. lol
Everybody`s telling that I`ve lost weight, that I`m thinner, etc. but why can`t I see this??? I can only see the fat and disgusting me in the mirror and that`s why I`m starting to hate it (the mirror I mean :). And I`m still afraid to weigh myself. Maybe tomorrow...maybe not...hehe...Omfg, I`m such a coward when it comes to my weight. But I know I`m fat so it wont be a big surprise I guess...but still...oh fuck whatever.
Stay strong!
<3

sigh

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 15:58:04 GMT

I cried last night and I don`t even know why. I don`t even remember the last time I cried. It seems like I never cry I always stop myself from doing it especially in front of other people. And I`ve become so good at this that stop myself from crying mechanically. That`s it - I just don`t and don`t even feel the need of it! And all these feelings have become anger. But I`m so full of anger that I need to stop doing this to myself. Last night I felt so relieved after I cried. I have to get my normal human being feelings again. It looks like I`ve become a mechanical animal. I`ve become a person I don`t like.

............................................................................................

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 21:05:03 GMT

One word : depressed. Why? Because of everything. Fuck. I hate the world and all it`s fucking stereotypes.

A Perfect Circle - Judith

You're such an inspiration for the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How the savior has abandoned you
F*ck your God
Your Lord and your Christ
He did this
Took all you had and
Left you this way
Still you pray, you never stray
Never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why

It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you
He did it all for you

Oh so many many ways for me to show you
How your dogma has abandoned you
Pray to your Christ, to your god
Never taste of the fruit
Never stray, never break
Never---choke on a lie
Even though he's the one who did this to you
You never thought to question why

Not like you killed someone
It's Not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ
As if he knows the reasons why
He did it all for you
Did it all for you
He did it all for you

A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me

Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.

So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Well, oh well..

Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.

You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all

____________________________________
Life sucks and I know you know it. But it`s easier when you pretend it`s not like that, isn`t it? I won`t do like that anymore.
____________________________________

Random update

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 18:42:45 GMT

Woke up. Went to school. Went home although I was supposed to be at school. Meh, I didn`t feel like staying. Whatever.
I want a guitar for Christmas. And I want this guitar : . Of course, that won`t happen. And IF I ever get a guitar it will be acoustic. I will quote the metaphor my father used : "I can`t buy you a Ferrari when you don`t have a driving license.". True but the truth hurts!</3 Anyway, I will me very glad if I get an acoustic for a start. *crosses fingers and falls on knees begging her parents* I play the piano and I hope that will make my experience with a guitar more easier. I mean I at least know the notes and shit like that. Oh, I love the things I`m studying [url for anybody whose interested=http://ftlbg.com/ma3x/music/Classic/Mozart/mozart%20-%20fantasia%20in%20d%20minor.mp3] Mozart.... But thats only one part of the whole Fantasie D minor. I love it I love it I love it! But not when I`m the one playing it.*sigh* And Chopin...Polonaise...I must practice more often. <333

Look what I made!!!

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 19:42:23 GMT

I am so proud of myself! I made a pair of earrings from my grandma`s old brooch! And I also made two necklaces! GO ME! Here are the pics:

And here`s me wearing them. I`m such a camwhore!

Blah...

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 17:43:32 GMT

No period for two months now. I feel heavy. Fuck.

I ate again!

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 16:25:30 GMT

Again the same things I ate yesterday for dinner. But I was forced because I passed out at school. But it wasn`t from hungriness I mean I wasn`t even hungry!!! It was from some stupid medicine I`m taking cause I`m ill from like a month. I`m not eating anything tomorrow! God I feel so ...FULL! I`m having school tomorrow which means another 3 hours of ballet and calories burned. So I guess that if I don`t eat the hole day it will be OK.
<333

I`m sooooooooooooooo tired...

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 20:08:09 GMT

I can`t even say my name. I can`t move. Aaaaah! Have I mentioned that I`m a ballerina? I think I haven`t. Ok now I do and it`s becoming harder and harder. I danced like crazy for 3 hours non stop today and my feet are hurting and bleeding...Ooooh! I`m already used to all this but that doesn`t make it better. Anyway, 3 hours = 838 calories burned! Yeah, my sick mind is counting again.
It was a day with no food and lot`s of exercise and I was so happy...untill dinner, of course. I was so tired that I forgot to open the book of lies about how I ate 1234567890 sandwiches, 9876543210 chocolate bars, etc. today. And I had to eat: 2 fried eggs - 158 calories, sweet kernel corn - 134 calories.
Total calories eaten - 192 but I`ll say 250 so I don`t get too happy and blow everything tomorrow.
Total calories burned - rounding to 850 because of all the stairs I have to climb every hour at school.
I guess it`s not that bad. But I didn`t want to eat. I wasn`t even hungry so I`m still mad that they made me eat.
Whatever. But I think I`ll have to eat tomorrow too. Bleh.
<333333

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 18:26:36 GMT

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 18:11:16 GMT

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Ok, I`m bored...

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 12:13:27 GMT


models are love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

Total makeover!

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 12:10:41 GMT

Goodbye Paris! Hello Gisele!
I hope you like the new style!
<3

Ha! I just love this picture!

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 10:42:33 GMT

...................................

Sat, 04 Dec 2004 19:13:23 GMT

I`m bored...I`m going surfing through LIVEJOURNAL so if I`ve added you and you have no idea who I am here`s a picture of me.

<3

I can`t beleive I`m doing this!

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 19:39:56 GMT

I still don`t know my stats...Anyway, I decided to put pictures of me...well, parts of me. I don`t like my body (yet) and I`m surprised that I`m photos of it here.
Don`t be too harsh, please!...

I had some pictures of me when I was 83lbs but I had to delete them. My parents were so freaked out then and you know...I felt so guilty and I deleted them. Although I regret it now...So, I hope I get to 83lbs again cause I can`t stand the fat me.
<3

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 19:46:03 GMT

There`s def. a change although I`m still fat. But there`s a change, yeah, there is...is there?
I DON` T KNOW MY FUCKING STATS BUT I`M PLANING TO KNOW SOON!!!
Wish me luck!
<3

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 18:14:10 GMT

I`m ill...from like a month. Just changing the type of illness. My current illness includes a diet. So now I`m officially and LEGALLY dieting in front of my parents. Since yesterday I`ve lost 2lbs. Goooooooood. But I don`t know what`s my current weigh because my scale isn`t working properly. I can only see the difference it shows. Whatever, until it shows some difference I`m all fine. I wanna know what`s my weight soooooooooo much but I`m too scared to weigh myself at school. Bad incident with the nurse again because of food...hm. Everything is because of food. I just realized it. Anyway, I`m not quitting, no, no, no !
<3

WTF?

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 20:29:18 GMT

Another lunch time having no lunch and drinking water. So my friend comes to me and says "Call me before you disappear." I`m like "What?" She "All this not eating and shit the next stage of it will be when you disappear." WHAT THE FUCK??? Argh! Whatever.
I didn`t have any time to update lately and I don`t have much time now but I HAD to share that because it pissed me off.
<3

I`m doing surprisingly good!

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 18:32:30 GMT

Today started shitty as always. But suddnely it became better and better. First a girl at school stopped me and said that I look thinner. Of course I was like "Really? I haven`t noticed, it wasn`t on purpose, blah, blah, blah...". It made me feel very good! Then I went to my piano lesson and the teacher asked me why I was absent last time. I said that I was and still am ill and she said : "Of course you`ll be ill. I can see you`ve lost weigh, you`ve gotten really thinner." That was awesome! Oh, and yesterday a friend of mine told me that I`ve definetely lost weight in my but, which is the best thing ever, cause my but is enourmous and it`s the hardest part to lose weight in. So I guess that I`m doing good. My mum bought me the pills I wanted and now we`re taking them together. The bad thing is that my scale isn`t working and I don`t know my current weight but that`s ok scince people are seeing results.
I`m thinking of taking some pictures of me tomorrow but I don`t know if I`ll manage to do it. Anyway.
<3

Gisele perfection!

Tue, 09 Nov 2004 19:47:38 GMT

I`m ill...blah! But at least I did`t eat...much. I`m waiting for my pills, MUM!!!
I watched Gisele on TRL today and she was GORGEOUS (of course). So I`m inspired.

<3