| I`m back! |
[27 Dec 2004|06:33pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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music |
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Placebo - English Summer Rain |
] |
Ok, so I`m back and I`m on my way to post some pictures. But right now I`m resizing them and I have to upload them so, yeah, that will take time. And I think I`ll make this journal friends only because I`m planning to post lots of pictures in the future and I don`t feel very comfortable when absolutely everybody can see them. But right now I have work to do with the pics.
<333
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| OHHHH! YESSSSS! |
[23 Dec 2004|06:21pm] |
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mood |
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fucking awesome |
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music |
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none |
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Ha! There are computers here and not only that!!! I swam 1km which equals 3280ft! There is a fucking conference hall in our apartment and the apartment is huge!!! Of course I`ll post pictures when I come home again! But it`s great! Today the pool was open only for me. Plus the fitness hall is kind of private too! HAHAHAHAHA! I just ate a salad and I think that I`ll be doing great the next few days!
YAY FOR ME!
<333
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| Bye for a while! |
[22 Dec 2004|09:29pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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music |
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A Perfect Circle (it`s a desease:) |
] |
I`m going away for the holidays with my parents but I`ll be back next week. Wish me luck with eating because I`ll need it sooooooooo much!!! I hope my parents won`t notice the things I`m planning to do. Like eating absolutely nothing cause lately I`ve been a total PIG! So hopefully I`ll spend 5 days with an empty stomach in the swimming pool, in the fitness or shopping! I hope that helps my gross fat ass to become at least normal sized! When I come back I`m starting another diet thingy with my mother and I`m supposed to lose 8lbs. Not that it will work. NOTHING EVER WORKS FOR ME!!! I`m going to die fat and ugly!
Anyway, as I said WISH ME LUCK BECAUSE I`LL NEED IT!
<333 Stay strong and think thin!
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[21 Dec 2004|09:02pm] |
Me right now. I can`t help it. I`m fat fat fat and everybody`s telling me how much weight I`ve lost and how I should stop and all shit like that AND I`M STILL AFRAID TO WEIGH MYSELF!!!!!!! I`m such an idiot...
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| Hmmmmm..... |
[20 Dec 2004|10:50pm] |
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mood |
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 surprised |
] |
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music |
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A Perfect Circle (I just can`t stop myself) |
] |
I`m supposed to take 1 diet pill before every meal. But I take 3-4 INSTEAD of having a meal. And I suppose that`s bad... One day in my life I`m gonna regret for making all this but at this point I`m OK. lol
Everybody`s telling that I`ve lost weight, that I`m thinner, etc. but why can`t I see this??? I can only see the fat and disgusting me in the mirror and that`s why I`m starting to hate it (the mirror I mean :). And I`m still afraid to weigh myself. Maybe tomorrow...maybe not...hehe...Omfg, I`m such a coward when it comes to my weight. But I know I`m fat so it wont be a big surprise I guess...but still...oh fuck whatever.
Stay strong!
<3
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| *sigh* |
[19 Dec 2004|05:51pm] |
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mood |
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 shitty |
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music |
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A Perfect Circle - Orestes |
] |
I cried last night and I don`t even know why. I don`t even remember the last time I cried. It seems like I never cry I always stop myself from doing it especially in front of other people. And I`ve become so good at this that stop myself from crying mechanically. That`s it - I just don`t and don`t even feel the need of it! And all these feelings have become anger. But I`m so full of anger that I need to stop doing this to myself. Last night I felt so relieved after I cried. I have to get my normal human being feelings again. It looks like I`ve become a mechanical animal. I`ve become a person I don`t like.
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| ............................................................................................ |
[18 Dec 2004|10:55pm] |
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mood |
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as fuck |
] |
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music |
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A Perfect Circle - Mer De Noms whole album |
] |
One word : depressed. Why? Because of everything. Fuck. I hate the world and all it`s fucking stereotypes.
A Perfect Circle - Judith
You're such an inspiration for the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How the savior has abandoned you
F*ck your God
Your Lord and your Christ
He did this
Took all you had and
Left you this way
Still you pray, you never stray
Never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why
It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you
He did it all for you
Oh so many many ways for me to show you
How your dogma has abandoned you
Pray to your Christ, to your god
Never taste of the fruit
Never stray, never break
Never---choke on a lie
Even though he's the one who did this to you
You never thought to question why
Not like you killed someone
It's Not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ
As if he knows the reasons why
He did it all for you
Did it all for you
He did it all for you
A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras
Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me
Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.
So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Well, oh well..
Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all
____________________________________
Life sucks and I know you know it. But it`s easier when you pretend it`s not like that, isn`t it? I won`t do like that anymore.
____________________________________
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| Random update |
[16 Dec 2004|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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relaxed |
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music |
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Chopin-Scherzo No1 in B minor Op20 |
] |
Woke up. Went to school. Went home although I was supposed to be at school. Meh, I didn`t feel like staying. Whatever.
I want a guitar for Christmas. And I want this guitar : ( Fender J5 Telecaster ). Of course, that won`t happen. And IF I ever get a guitar it will be acoustic. I will quote the metaphor my father used : "I can`t buy you a Ferrari when you don`t have a driving license.". True but the truth hurts!</3 Anyway, I will me very glad if I get an acoustic for a start. *crosses fingers and falls on knees begging her parents* I play the piano and I hope that will make my experience with a guitar more easier. I mean I at least know the notes and shit like that. Oh, I love the things I`m studying [url for anybody whose interested=http://ftlbg.com/ma3x/music/Classic/Mozart/mozart%20-%20fantasia%20in%20d%20minor.mp3] Mozart.... But thats only one part of the whole Fantasie D minor. I love it I love it I love it! But not when I`m the one playing it.*sigh* And Chopin...Polonaise...I must practice more often.
<333
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| Look what I made!!! |
[15 Dec 2004|09:26pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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David Bowie - The Pretty Things Are Going To Hell |
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I am so proud of myself! I made a pair of earrings from my grandma`s old brooch! And I also made two necklaces! GO ME! Here are the pics:
( Tell me I`m good at this )
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| Blah... |
[12 Dec 2004|07:42pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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music |
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HIM - Join Me In Death |
] |
No period for two months now. I feel heavy. Fuck.
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| I ate again! |
[10 Dec 2004|06:18pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
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music |
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Nine Inch Nails - Starfuckers INC. |
] |
Again the same things I ate yesterday for dinner. But I was forced because I passed out at school. But it wasn`t from hungriness I mean I wasn`t even hungry!!! It was from some stupid medicine I`m taking cause I`m ill from like a month. I`m not eating anything tomorrow! God I feel so ...FULL! I`m having school tomorrow which means another 3 hours of ballet and calories burned. So I guess that if I don`t eat the hole day it will be OK.
<333
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| I`m sooooooooooooooo tired... |
[09 Dec 2004|09:37pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
] |
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music |
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Clinical Torment - Bastard Lullaby |
] |
I can`t even say my name. I can`t move. Aaaaah! Have I mentioned that I`m a ballerina? I think I haven`t. Ok now I do and it`s becoming harder and harder. I danced like crazy for 3 hours non stop today and my feet are hurting and bleeding...Ooooh! I`m already used to all this but that doesn`t make it better. Anyway, 3 hours = 838 calories burned! Yeah, my sick mind is counting again.
It was a day with no food and lot`s of exercise and I was so happy...untill dinner, of course. I was so tired that I forgot to open the book of lies about how I ate 1234567890 sandwiches, 9876543210 chocolate bars, etc. today. And I had to eat: 2 fried eggs - 158 calories, sweet kernel corn - 134 calories.
Total calories eaten - 192 but I`ll say 250 so I don`t get too happy and blow everything tomorrow.
Total calories burned - rounding to 850 because of all the stairs I have to climb every hour at school.
I guess it`s not that bad. But I didn`t want to eat. I wasn`t even hungry so I`m still mad that they made me eat.
Whatever. But I think I`ll have to eat tomorrow too. Bleh.
<333333
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| Total makeover! |
[06 Dec 2004|02:09pm] |
Goodbye Paris! Hello Gisele!
I hope you like the new style!
<3
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| ................................... |
[04 Dec 2004|09:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
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music |
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Staind - Outside |
] |
I`m bored...I`m going surfing through LIVEJOURNAL so if I`ve added you and you have no idea who I am here`s a picture of me.
( Me.Bleh. )
<3
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| I can`t beleive I`m doing this! |
[30 Nov 2004|09:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 embarrassed |
] |
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music |
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The Prodijy - No good |
] |
I still don`t know my stats...Anyway, I decided to put pictures of me...well, parts of me. I don`t like my body (yet) and I`m surprised that I`m photos of it here.
Don`t be too harsh, please!...
( YUK! )
I had some pictures of me when I was 83lbs but I had to delete them. My parents were so freaked out then and you know...I felt so guilty and I deleted them. Although I regret it now...So, I hope I get to 83lbs again cause I can`t stand the fat me.
<3
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wateva_it_takes's journal
